Self-care

Today on #thebigselfcareshare we have Mark Shayler. He loves moving and thinking and the latter gets better when he does the former. He’s a thinker, speaker and author, one half of Ape – a sustainable innovation company – and Founding Partner of The DO Lectures.

Tell us about yourself, Mark.

I started as a bit of a hippy, I became a corporate slave for a couple of years and am now happily hippy again. It’s 30 years since I went to university (for free – remember that), 27 years since I got married, 24 years since we had the first of our four kids, 18 years since I set up my business. I work with big companies to help them think small and small companies to help them think big. I work with individuals to remind them which way is up.

How important is self-care to you?

Everything starts with self-care. You can’t love and be loved if you don’t love yourself and totally accept yourself. This is, in my experience, the key to a happy life. It’s about being curious about who you are and why you are.

It rolls out like a wave to the mental stuff – accepting your weirdness and taking time to meditate. Then the physical – yoga, running and swimming. Then the food – eat less harm. Eat less food that harms others. Eat less food that harms you. Then focus on the relationships with people that are good for you rather than those that harm you. Then, and only then, can you begin to look at what you do with the main part of your day.

…focus on the relationships with people that are good for you rather than those that harm you.

How do you earn your money? We can all earn money in many different ways but the ones that bring us the most joy are the ones least like work. In my book ‘Do Disrupt – Change the Status Quo or Become it‘ I talk about how to find the thing that you need to do. I talk about the need to be patient with this and wait for your Kairos time rather than panicking about Chronos time. We get really het-up about what we do. It isn’t surprising really as it’s how we introduce ourselves, how we define ourselves and it’s often the first question we ask of others. This is because it is a totem for wealth. Try asking someone you’ve never met before “tell me about yourself” rather than the usual “what do you do”. Totally different question, with the opportunity for a totally different answer. Many won’t take that opportunity. Our self-applied labels are fascinating and ultimately create a set of constraining beliefs for ourselves.

How do you practice self-care?

I get up early. Around 5.30. I go for a cycle with a friend three mornings a week and often head to London on the early train the other two. My weakness is food. I eat too much and I want to start eating breakfast much later but at the moment I don’t. So I eat at around 7.30. Usually eggs from our chickens, our roasted tomatoes and spinach with toast. And a coffee. I really want to kick this out. Not because it is “bad” for me but because I lean on it. I sometimes use it as a reward for meditating. Maybe that’s how I’ll progress.

Like most people, I never do my best thinking sat down. I do it walking or running, or biking or showering.

During the day I take many breaks – I’m a big fan of the pomodoro technique of working in 25-minute blocks. Then taking some thinking time or meditation time. Like most people, I never do my best thinking sat down. I do it walking or running, or biking or showering. Our most creative brain state is reached around the hypnogogic state. I try and do yoga every day but am struggling to prioritise this now. I spend time talking to the kids as often as I can (two have moved out now and two are still at home). I go to bed earlyish – around 10. And I am really trying to not use my phone after 9. It’s hard.

Can you share a self-care tip?

I find meditation a massive benefit. I used to be really hard on myself until I came across a simple meditation technique called RAIN (Recognise, Allow, Investigate, Non-identity). I have a simple process and it really works for me.

I also listen to music, dance, do yoga and make love with my wife as often as possible. Sometimes altogether.

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Thanks so much for your honesty, Mark! As someone who has twice read and benefited from ‘Do Disrupt – Change the Status Quo or Become it‘ I can wholeheartedly recommend the book.

Mark has kindly shared his process for RAIN meditation in a separate bonus blog.

You can follow Mark on social media at:

Instagram: www.instagram.com/markshayler
Twitter: www.twitter.com/greenape

And visit his website: www.thisisape.co.uk

Mark Shayler is a thinker, speaker and author, one half of Ape – a sustainable innovation company – and Founding Partner of The DO Lectures. As part of the #thebigselfcareshare he shares his method for RAIN, a simple meditation technique that really works for him.

Recognise, Accept, Investigate, Non-identity

Get absolutely soaking wet. There are many reasons why we get stressed or get stuck. Often a simple re-set is all that is needed. The way we think about ourselves can be harsh and judgemental. We can, and do, create our own self-limiting beliefs by the way that we perceive ourselves. I use a simple meditation process called RAIN.

Begin by focusing on the breath and breathing into the abdomen. When you are comfortable and focused on nothing/everything go through the following steps in your mind.

1. Recognising. Recognise what is happening in your mind. Give it a name. Anxiety. Fear. Stress. Give it a name. This is Fear, I recognise it. Where do I feel it in my body? Tight chest. Tension, Heart rate. Recognise it and give it a name.
2. Allowing. Don’t push it away. Don’t criticise ourselves for feeling this way. If we add a second layer of negativity to already feeling shit it gives the feeling more power. Whatever we feel is okay. Allow ourselves to feel the emotions and physical stuff. Don’t add anymore judgement on top.
3. Investigating. Give the experience the kindness of your attention. What is calling for attention? What is dominant? Notice it and accept it without pushing it away. How does the body feel right now? Where is the tension or movement? Are the sensations changing? Investigate how you are seeing things. Can you allow what is happening or are you looking through a filter or lens? What opinions are you placing on the situation?
4. Non-identifying. It’s best not to see this feeling as 100% part of ourselves. Otherwise, we have no space away from it. Observe it with balance, don’t identify with it. Relax the mind and think of the sky/cloud metaphor. The sky doesn’t change as the clouds pass by. The sky is not the weather. It is the sky. Your mind is bigger and different from the things within it.

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You can read Mark’s full contribution to #thebigselfcareshare over at ‘why self-care matters‘.

You can follow Mark on social media at:

Instagram: www.instagram.com/markshayler
Twitter: www.twitter.com/greenape

And visit his website: www.thisisape.co.uk

The first in our series of self-care posts for #thebigselfcareshare is from Suzy Reading, Psychologies Magazine Mind Editor and Neom Organics Psych Expert. She is also a Speaker and Author of The Self-Care Revolution.

Tell us about yourself.

I’m a mother of two, a Chartered Psychologist, Yoga Teacher and Health Coach. All my professional qualifications combined with my life experience lead me to my current offering. I’m passionate about empowering people with the tools of self-care, which is the one thread that draws together all my different training and therapeutic modalities. I love to help people better manage their stress, emotions, and energetic bank balance.

It was my life experience of motherhood colliding with the terminal illness of my father that sparked my passion for self-care which I teach to my clients, young and old, to cope during periods of stress, loss and change and to boost their resilience in the face of future challenges.

I love flying the flag for self-care and relish the opportunity to be a contributing editor for Psychologies Magazine and the Psychology Expert for wellbeing brand Neom Organics. My first book ‘The Self-Care Revolution’ came out this year and I’m very excited to have more in the pipeline.

What does self-care mean for you?

I think we need a crystal clear definition of self-care so we can fully embrace it both as a concept and a practice. There’s an awful lot of confusion out there! I define self-care as health care. It is nourishment for the head, the heart and the body.

I define self-care as health care. It is nourishment for the head, the heart and the body.

There’s a second part to my definition that helps us choose the most nourishing action in the moment and that is, self-care nurtures you in this moment AND nurtures the person you are becoming, your ‘Future Self’ so to speak. Self-care is not always easy or comfortable, sometimes it is the last thing you actually feel like doing, but the true act of self-care is the choice that is genuinely life-giving and nourishing. Sometimes that might be a pampering, soothing practice, sometimes it’s stepping up in a way that might feel challenging. Self-care helps us to cope in the moment, to heal and recover from times of stress, loss and change, it provides us with a protective buffer against future curveballs and it gives us access to our best self… it really is the ultimate win-win.

How do you incorporate self-care into your daily routine?

I absolutely love this question because while we all know what we need to do to feel healthy and vibrant, it’s another thing to actually make it happen! There are several approaches that I use to make self-care a part of daily life.

The first is thinking of self-care as ‘micro-moments’ of nourishment. Nothing grand or elaborate is needed, it needn’t take long! Self-care can be tiny little ways to de-stress dotted through your day, like using scent, the breath, your posture, a single yoga pose, tuning in with nature, or using a mantra.

The second is turning everyday actions into self-care. What are you already doing that you can make more nourishing? The way you greet the day, the way in which you dress, how you shower, how you eat your meals, the way you talk to yourself? You can turn these into a ritual of nourishment with awareness and choice.

What are you already doing that you can make more nourishing?

The third is to make mindful use of my downtime – it’s easy to fritter away precious spare moments. Choose carefully how you use your spare time by using the prompt, what do I need now?

Share a self-care tip, something that’s helped you on your path to being kinder to yourself.

Build your own calming toolkit:

Think of any challenge you are facing right now and come up with a path of action. Humans thrive on certainty, so even if you can’t guarantee a particular outcome, having a defined toolkit of things to try can be a powerful coping strategy. Think along the lines of ‘when ‘X’ happens, then I will ‘Y’ – these primer statements become even more potent when written down and I keep mine in my journal. Creating this toolkit can diminish anxiety and will help you take swift, constructive action when challenges arise.

Some ideas include:

• When I am feeling overwhelmed, then I will… take a child’s pose, be with my breath for one minute, make sure I have eaten something life-giving in the last hour, repeat the mantra: I soften into this moment.
• When I can’t sleep, then I will… try a brain dump with a pen and paper, scan through my day and think of three blessings and why they happened, use my magnesium oil spray, make my exhalation longer than my inhalation…

I hope your toolkits serve you well! And if guilt about engaging in self-care pops up (it is a tenacious creature) remember, it’s not me FIRST, it is me AS WELL.

We’re in it together.

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Wow. What a way to kick off #thebigselfcareshare. Thank you so much for your valuable contribution, Suzy, and for teaching us that small steps can help us make big changes. You can join Suzy’s Wellbeing Community at:

Instagram: www.instagram.com/suzyreading/
Facebook: www.facebook.com/SuzyReadingPsychologyAndYoga/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/SuzyReading

And visit her website: www.suzyreading.co.uk

Tomorrow sees the launch of #thebigselfcareshare, a series of guest blogs from those who inspire me, and who I know will inspire others, to be a little kinder to themselves each day.

My hope is to gather and share advice and stories that demonstrate how simple it is to integrate self-care into our daily lives. Whether at home or at work, the path to creating a healthier life and cultivating good habits isn’t easy at times. And that’s why I believe it’s important to talk about it.

For me, it all started with a journal. I would write about my experiences and occasionally post about them on Instagram. And then something interesting happened. The baby loss and fertility communities were interested in what I had to say; some of them bought their own journals, others were curious about making lifestyle changes and, over time, I stopped seeing looking after myself as some kind of luxury. I began to appreciate just how much the act of writing has helped me. Spotting behavioural patterns that I otherwise wouldn’t have been able to identify. Emptying my thoughts onto paper that in turn empowered me to make big decisions. Learning to accept that the course of my life will sometimes be out with my control. It’s a mindful practice, one I’m learning more about each day.

So far, Bide & Bloom has given me a safe space to talk about the loss of my son, recurrent miscarriage and secondary infertility. And while I’d like it to continue as a blog and resource, I’d also like to expand it and share the steps I’m taking to look after my mental health. This is something I’ll touch on more in the near future, but for now, I’m going to make a commitment to bringing about some positive changes in my life right now.

Are you with me?

Slowly but surely, I’m seeing the benefits of taking better care of myself. It’s not easy – some days are REALLY hard – so I’m looking forward to learning more about what it means to embrace self-compassion and self-kindness as part of #thebigselfcareshare.

Do join in and comment or share the posts if they strike a chord. And let others know how you’re getting on with self-care by using the hashtag #thebigselfcareshare and tagging me @sarahjrobertson in your posts and stories so we can see and share them too.

Love,
Sarah x